They wanted to see if anyone bought a single copy of the complete first season yet…

Anyone?

(More like Sitting On The Dock Of Gay)

I think there’s a huge lot where crappy 80’s shows go to die. I couldn’t help but think Riptide would have friends like Whiz Kids, 227, and Jake And The Fat Man already there waiting…

This Just In

(It’s clown poop)

The Everlasting Gobstopper just expired. Time of death 8:23pm. The suspect is Jonah Durkins of Brookfield, PA. He stated, “I was totally on the hardest level in Bioshock, where a Big Daddy flies out of the wall at you when in all the excitement, I swallowed hard. That was it”

Charges will be filed tomorrow by local police…

Marketing Gone Wrong

(They got the elusive 8-year-old drug crowd)

Might want to come up with a better name…

How about Reefer Tubes, Booger Sugar Bars, or Heroin Cakes?

Show tonight, have a day!

Can happen to anyone…

(I love the head scratch)

Some are just better at making them than others…we call em Reality TV contestants…

George Carlin Irony

The Washington Post said he was honored posthumously with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Then they showed his “seven dirty words you can never say on Television” bit with all the words bleeped, and it wasn’t on Television. I think they missed the whole idea of the bit…

(Knock knock jokes still kill)

Carlin reminded me of the person in a group when someone is droning on and on and on about the intricacies of foreign policy in relation to the value of the American dollar which they clearly have no clue about, who politely interjects saying, “Excuse me good sir, you appear to talking directly from your anus. For the greater good of humanity, would you kindly shut…the…fuck…up?”…

Proposition 8

I’m going to say this simply, and I’m going to say it once. Religions like Mormon, Roman Catholic, Union Of Orthodox Jewish Congregations Of America, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints(anyone with two “of’s” in their title is an asshat), a group of Evangelical Christians led by Jim Garlow and Miles McPherson, American Family Association, Focus On The Family, the National Organization for Marriage, Rick Warren the pastor of Saddleback Church, and the Bishops of the California Catholic Conference…must stay out of politics. If you want to use your religions to pass legislation that supports bigotry, hate, division and oppression; then you’re not a religion anymore…

(Sidewalk naps are the best!)

You’re a shitty business peddling hate. You’ll be treated, and taxed as such…

It’s a civil rights issue. Equality under the law, a Constitutional right, nothing more…

(Missing sign: “Need 2 for Madonna concert”)

Anyone making it into something else should have brown eyes because they’re 100% full of shit, and should be asked point blank to defend their position why marriage for all citizens being treated equal under the law should not exist. When they can’t, and totally avoid the question, it exposes bigotry…

Show tonight, so go have a day!

Like a baby’s three week old diaper after eating two cans of chili…

(Sniffing cleats won’t get you to the pro-bowl kid)

The Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers 37 to 3! They couldn’t block, they couldn’t tackle, they couldn’t catch, and hell they couldn’t find their ass in the dark with both hands and a flashlight…

I’m surprised they could stand vertical with out soiling themselves…

(Does your paper have a play for 3rd and screwed?)

Normally when you get your ass kicked that badly, you can’t sit for weeks…

Next week it’s St. Louis who sucks wind. If we loose to them, kiss the season bye bye…

Ted Stevens, Al Frankin, and Renegades Oh My!

This week, the world finds out who Alaska’s next senator will be, who Minnesota’s new senator will be, and Obama’s secret service name will be Renegade…

Really? Renegade? He suddenly sounds all actiony hero now…

(It’s Lorenzo Lameass)

Can he blow stuff up, have a ripped oily chest, and a Native American side-kick?

The best part, George W Bush’s code name was Tumbler. How…fitting…

Funny Foto

(Nice distance captain classy)

Shows this week, so look for times and dates. Go have a day!

So long as you crate train them…

(”There’s shit in here, & it’s not mine”)

Good luck Bears! Now go have a day!

(Umm, doughy freshness)

I like walking around saying, “Would jew, alike asome hot(roll the H) empanadas?”

“They abe berry afreshis froma Chile. Buta look out for thea talking ones, they cut jew”

(The Empanada gang works the upper east side)

It’s looks a hell of lot like a Calzone, proving once again, different cultures like to name their shit differently. In America, it’s god, but in Iraq he’s Allah. In Europe soccer’s called football, but in America football is called football, because it is football. In Italy it’s a Calzone, in Spain it’s an Empanada, and in America we call it Pizza Hut…

Bears vs Packers

You’d have to live in cave not to know this weekends match-up between the Bears and Packers is big. Make that a cave with no wi-fi, TV’s, or like a cheap Spanish wedding, no reception. Oddly also like most of Rex Grossman’s passes lately…

(This Urlacher better show up. The other one sucks)

The overall record between the two since 1921 is 90-79-6 in favor of the Bears…

After Sunday, it’ll be 91-79-6 cheesefarts!

Packers joke to tell your friends: Two women who were die-hard Packers fans were traveling to Chicago to see the big game. They noticed they were lost, so they stopped at a gas station to get directions. The women walk in and politely ask the clerk, “How do we get to 290 from here?”. The man replied, “About 3 weeks of Weight Watchers”.

Go have a day!

(Sleep it off kid)

My new thing aside from selling them on E-Bay, is “baby drinking parties”…

It’s like regular parties…

Loud, you can’t understand a word people are saying, and some one pukes…

Dancing Without The Stars

My mom loves DWTS! I keep saying it’s like a horrible cross between Hollywood Squares, Solid Gold, and The Love Boat. Stupid guest stars, crappy dancing, and odd couples…

(Definitely a woman)

I think they should add a degree of difficulty to it. You should have go to a small remote Island and dance on a tiny plank…

Over a pit of starved alligators on one side, and molten lava on the other…

As they slowly pull in the plank. Now that I’d watch…

I bet Marie Osmond tastes like chicken…

Now, I give you a new segment I call…

Young Sarah Palin

(You betcha!)

Go have a day!

(Can we “do it live” Bill?)

Sure Orally is a loud, socially, unadjusted malcontent, who likes to shout people down rather than have reasonable discourse and attempt to understand peoples views or positions. He reflects the sour grapes of the GOP who are soar losers, and is one of the main reasons for our piss poor political atmosphere on the far far right today…

He can only view things in black and white with no nuance, facts, or reason…

Kind of like a dog…

His ratings will tank, he’ll blame everything/everyone but himself, and will be off the air within a year. I won’t miss him or his shitty attitude, but I will miss Lil’ O’Reilly…

(2 booger pickers for the price of 1)

That kid had some acting chops!

Hey Sun-Times…

Maybe when you run a gut wrenching story about a man who lost his entire family to a drunken driver, you don’t want to run a 1/2 page ad for a LIQUOR STORE under it…

(Stay classy Sun-Times)

What’s Better Than A Photo Of A Monkey On A Dogs Back?

This…

(Have fun storming the castle!)

The dog has that “I could have went to another family, but noooooooo” look…

Go have a day!

(Was he drunk?)

Title says it all. Today, I’m 3-7 with the hopes of going 3-10 so I never have to go through this asinine crap again. Stinking this bad, now I know what Kevin Federline must feel like…

I’m thinking of picking up some new players for the final weeks…

-Nopoint Jones
-Larry McNohands
-Talentless Turdwand
-Dude Whosucks
-Injuryprone Smith
-Shouldf Playedthotherguy

Look out, it’s on!

The Governments New “bailout” Logo…

(Hint: We’re in the front)

You’re going to hear the names Ben S. Bernanke, and Henry Paulson a lot more in the coming days. These two men were the ones who lobbied for the $700 billion bailout plan, which was more like $837 billion after congress got their greasy mits on it adding projects to it, and offered “total transparency” on where the money is going. You know, since we’re footing the bill…

Today, they “can’t disclose where the money is being spent”. We’re pissed…

That’s like saying, “Sorry, we can’t tell you who you just bailed out, because you might want to kick us in the face”….

This isn’t some cutesy episode of Three’s Company where we gave Jack seed money for a “get rich quick scheme”. It’s serious shit. It’s our money, and there better be “checks”…

Too Much Time Alone?

Then make friends…

Now go have a day!

Joe The Plumber? Remember him?

(Huh, seems impartial)

I barely do. Wasn’t he supposed to be on *insert shitty reality show here*?

I did write a music piece for him that I’ll be shooting this week…

All apologies to Joan Osborne…

If Joe had a Name,
what would it be and -
would you say asshole to His face
if you were faced with Him
in all His bullshit,
what would you ask
if You had just one question…

and yeah, yeah
Joe is great
Yeah, yeah
Joe is good
Yeah, yeah
yeah yeah yeah

What if Joe was one of Us?
Just a slob like one of Us?
A stranger on the straight talk bus,
trying to lie about His home…

If Joe was two-faced,
what would it look like and
would we want to see
if seeing meant that
You would have to believe
in lies like Marxist and Commie and the Socialists
and all the douchebags and…

Yeah, yeah
Joe is great
Yeah, yeah
Joe is good
Yeah, yeah
yeah yeah yeah

What if Joe was one of Us?
Just a slob like one of Us?
Just a stranger on the McCain bus,
trying to lie about his Home…

Tryin’ to make up his whole tome
Yelling Socialist all alone…
Nobody callin’ on his phone
‘Cept for McCain’s rollin’ mobile home…

Ladies and Gentleman, I Give You…Irony…

(Whoops)

(If Jesus saves, who deletes?)

Make sure to get tickets for upcoming shows at Zanies in Chicago! Go have a day!

Sunshine!

(Nap time)

Cops wanted to talk to you…

They have your pants, wallet, and your new wives with them…

I love Nevada!

Garbage Palin

(Where’s Taddddddd?)

I’m gonna miss lil’ dumbass. She’s nuttier my poop after eating 3lbs of cashews…

The good news, she doesn’t look like she’s giving up the lime light anytime soon. She’ll claw her way to a reality show lasting one episode on the CW called “Palin’s Posse”…

Go have a day!